Current mood:	awake
Current music:	"Shy" - Ani Difranco

8-13-05
i guess what it boils down to now is who breaks first
(you - because of me, and you)
(me - because of you, me and her)
and i wish it could be you
but it looks like i'm going to have to.
for the sake of sanity, comradery, and more pain.
Love isn't part of it and i wish i knew what was
we skirt the issue until i'm on the floor
your knees up between my legs my skirt high and uneffective
the only thing i'd say is that there can't just be one way
i wish i knew if my theory of diversity was true
but even truth is an illusion and it's
not emo it's
not angst it's
thoughts strung together in a chain that just broke
the glass window of growing up not questioning if even that was something someone made up
so you fill your arms with more scars
and add more lines to the should-be-art work
head heavy under drugged circumstances
crawl home so sober you're classified intoxicated and even the wind screams through your hair and fingers in silence
until you're so bereaft of touch it makes you sick -

standing in a canned food aisle i looked
at the stewed tomatoes and felt a pin prick above my sternum
and my whole world drained out
suddenly empty and disconnected and unwired
misfired with that round of applause and
clay bullets shooting at
shotgun pigeons losing to handgun ducks.
it doesn't relate it doesnt connect
it doesn't make sense
it just happens - saying goodbye to him
because of telling me there's got to be someone more (isn't it always like that?) for me
but i just want the security
without the need to impress and feel jealous. i wish it would happen
without the wine and ativan and dreams
done overwell cooked until the truth was gone.
i'm at the point when the least amount of tension heightened slightly for only a second scares the shit outta me.